Just let it happen
Tonight is one of those nights I wish I could drink myself into oblivion. I haven't had alcohol in any kind of excess in a long time. Honestly, once I met Scott, got a job, and moved to Columbus, I haven't really had the urge to drink so much that I pass out, but tonight I would really love to. Unfortunately, I have two beers total. Fat lot of good that's going to do me.
I have such a hard time opening up to people. Generally, they're just going to screw me/judge me in the end, right? The few times I've opened up to Scott I don't feel they've gone that well. I just get the feeling he doesn't care that much about me as it is. Well. Most of the time I think he does, but then he gives me reason to think he doesn't, and I question everything. I love him far too much for my own good, and I can't imagine my life without him. But as my life seems to follow a pattern that I am much against, he doesn't like me as much as I like him.
It's been this way with every guy that I've ever really been interested in, but I thought that it changed with Scott. In many ways, it has. We're in a relationship, and it is good (for the most part). But once again, I am the one left to love more than the other. I usually don't question that he cares about me. I think that there is just something there, that, despite his best wishes, he can't deny. He didn't want a relationship at all, and here we are more than a year later. But I don't know. I can see farther into the future than he can, I suppose.
He talks about us being together long term, in his own way, but he is just not one to think very far ahead, which frustrates me. He doesn't know what he wants, I can take it, although I think he wants me to be a part of whatever it is that happens to him in the future.
Who knows? I should have learned by now that life will never lead me where I think it's going to, and that I have no choice but to deal with it. I have no choice but to live my life. I want Scott to be a part of my life and my changes. I just need to let it happen.
I would kill for a nice, big bottle of vodka, though.
I have such a hard time opening up to people. Generally, they're just going to screw me/judge me in the end, right? The few times I've opened up to Scott I don't feel they've gone that well. I just get the feeling he doesn't care that much about me as it is. Well. Most of the time I think he does, but then he gives me reason to think he doesn't, and I question everything. I love him far too much for my own good, and I can't imagine my life without him. But as my life seems to follow a pattern that I am much against, he doesn't like me as much as I like him.
It's been this way with every guy that I've ever really been interested in, but I thought that it changed with Scott. In many ways, it has. We're in a relationship, and it is good (for the most part). But once again, I am the one left to love more than the other. I usually don't question that he cares about me. I think that there is just something there, that, despite his best wishes, he can't deny. He didn't want a relationship at all, and here we are more than a year later. But I don't know. I can see farther into the future than he can, I suppose.
He talks about us being together long term, in his own way, but he is just not one to think very far ahead, which frustrates me. He doesn't know what he wants, I can take it, although I think he wants me to be a part of whatever it is that happens to him in the future.
Who knows? I should have learned by now that life will never lead me where I think it's going to, and that I have no choice but to deal with it. I have no choice but to live my life. I want Scott to be a part of my life and my changes. I just need to let it happen.
I would kill for a nice, big bottle of vodka, though.
posted by Sarah @ 11:00 PM
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