My head is exploding

The cats are fighting again. Maybe one of these days, when they're both old and decrepit, they'll just give up on fighting each other. I kind of doubt it, though. They both put up a good show for me; I think they think I expect it.

I've been so anxious the last day or two. I had such a bad anxiety attack early this afternoon that I thought I was going to pass out. I think I'm okay, and then when I'm by myself, and I know that Scott and his friend are together, I freak out. It's so hard for me not to run over there and just scream that he is mine and I'm going to watch him until she leaves.

But how ridiculous would I look if I did that? I can't be watching over him all the time, and I'm sure he comes into contact with other women all the time. It never has bothered me before.

On the other hand, it's really not him that I don't trust. I don't trust his friend. It's very difficult for me to be friendly to her, even though she seems like a perfectly friendly person. All I can think of is that if she has even half a brain, she'd be going after him.

He's just the sexiest guy I've ever met in my entire life. He's funny and smart, and he has a great body. He has a good job and he takes care of himself so well. He's not perfect, but he's definitely perfect for me.

So maybe it's just my opinion, but I'd be all over him if I were her. All right, I'm pretty much always all over him myself-he's just so damn hot.

I'm also irritated that I really want sex and she's always there. We get just a few moments alone together, and not really enough alone to have sex. That's enough to annoy the shit out of me as it is.

Even talking to Scott about it last night didn't really help. I know logically that I can trust him, but there's that crazy imagination of mine that can see them doing things together. And when I can't be there, my mind tends to wander. And why does she get to sleep in his apartment when I don't get to sleep with him? It's one of the things I look so forward to, and we haven't spent the night together in over a week.

I'm so used to having him to myself that I really miss him. I have such a hard time being comfortable around strangers, but he was the one person in the world that I'd never be uncomfortable around. I'm just me around him.

I can't be me when I'm anxious and uncomfortable. I'm so anxious. It's a damn good thing I have to go to work tomorrow. I can't deal with it when I'm sitting around. I try to read, watch DVDs, listen to music, whatever. My mind is only quiet when I'm writing. And even then it just kind of comes out jumbled and incomprehensible.

I will be so relieved when she leaves. I've never been this weird jealous freak before, and I don't like feeling this way or knowing what it's doing to me and my relationship. My head is going to freaking explode.