It's been gone

This is the kind of day where you kind of wouldn't mind throwing in the towel. I've been suicidal before (and I certainly am not now), but what I really think would be nice is just having a break from life for a day or two. And not just a day off of work; a day off of worrying about work, of worrying about my stupid boyfriend, of worrying about getting things done so I can be less of a screw-up in general.

I don't suppose I'll get a break from any of that, really. I'm still sitting here worrying about what Scott is doing with his friend, worrying about why I think he'd ever even think about doing anything with her, worrying about going to work tomorrow, worrying about being fat, ugly, sounding stupid, having bad skin, bad hair, bad manners, ugly clothes, etc.

I know my life will never be exactly what I've imagined, but I thought I had it about as close I could get it: a good job, friends, a wonderful guy, a hockey team, my kitties... Now here I am, pissed about my stupid job, freaking out over my guy, and just really taking shitty care of the animals I took on as my own. And I'm worrying that I'm not attractive enough, feeling as though I'm competing with some other girl for my boyfriend's attention, and then worrying that he thinks I need his attention too much.

Goddamn it, I am not important enough to be worrying. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter, does it? I can worry all I want about Scott, but the fact is, he will do what he will do, and I can't stop him by just freaking worrying about it. I can only stand by what I say and know what I will accept and what I won't.

Of course, knowing this won't stop me. I am just glad I only have a little more than a day that I'll be worrying about him. Eh, that's not true. They'll be other things. I'm just fortunate that he doesn't make me worry too much.

Ah, shit. I feel like our relationship is pretty well changed now. For better or worse, I don't know.

I do know that I haven't ever felt this way about anyone-I thought I loved Steve so much, but after a year with him, I wasn't nearly as interested. After a year with Scott, I'm more interested than ever. And it's even better; cozier and much more intimate.

I'd like to start writing again, but I never did have any good ideas. I'd hate to write my life in so many different ways (or the way I'd like my life to be) the way I did when I was younger. But I miss falling into a character/story and wishing only to be back where they are. It's such an easy escape. I think I lost my creativity with all the responsibility of having a real life bearing down on me, and that's sad. I used to daydream all the time. It was all I wanted to do. Now, though I can still imagine things to clearly, the situations are never as interesting as they used to be.

I think whatever I had has been lost. I may still write well, and I may still have some talent at it, but I feel like some potential is lost. I wish I could find that potential and run with it. Screw this grooming crap-I want to write a great American novel.

Ah fuck. I have to sleep one of these days.