Faulty
It's probably better that no one reads this. I don't have any interesting stories to tell, I don't have interesting conversations, nothing really exciting happens to me. As much as I could make stuff up, what good would that do me? I get nothing out of writing fiction any more. I only get any kind of relief from writing when I write what I'm really feeling.
It's when I'm by myself that I usually want someone to talk to, but the right person usually just isn't there. I'm not really sure who the right person is, most of the time. I'm fairly certain that whoever it is doesn't really exist. The right person is the person who can fix the sad/angry/annoyed/lonely feelings, but no one can really fix those. I usually just swallow them down. I really hate letting anyone know that I'm not as good as they are, and telling someone I'm feeling lonely or angry is doing exactly that.
Being vulnerable is definitely not my strong suit.
I feel like maybe I can only be vulnerable to one or two people, and it's so random who I can finally open up to, and when I can. It's better to be slightly guarded anyway, I suppose.
But part of me wants to be open with lots of people so I can let them in and see me for who I really am, and love me in spite/because of my faults. No one will love me if I'm faulty. Or if they will, I'd just rather not find out.
My cats do, I guess. I can be fat and ugly and cry and scream, and they'll still hop in bed next to me and purr. Does that make me a crazy cat lady? I mean, even their love isn't unconditional. If I didn't feed them or clean out their litter box, they'd hate me.
Scott treats me like shit when he's sick or feeling unwell. I wonder how he'd feel if the situation were reversed, but when do I treat him like shit? Rarely. I took a day off work to take him to get his wisdom teeth out, went and got him food, and just tried to be there for him, but he can't let me do anything for him. Unless it's paying for dinner.
He makes it so difficult sometimes. I'm trying not to get too pissed because he's obviously not feeling well, but I'm PMSing and not terribly thrilled to be rejected so much.
It's when I'm by myself that I usually want someone to talk to, but the right person usually just isn't there. I'm not really sure who the right person is, most of the time. I'm fairly certain that whoever it is doesn't really exist. The right person is the person who can fix the sad/angry/annoyed/lonely feelings, but no one can really fix those. I usually just swallow them down. I really hate letting anyone know that I'm not as good as they are, and telling someone I'm feeling lonely or angry is doing exactly that.
Being vulnerable is definitely not my strong suit.
I feel like maybe I can only be vulnerable to one or two people, and it's so random who I can finally open up to, and when I can. It's better to be slightly guarded anyway, I suppose.
But part of me wants to be open with lots of people so I can let them in and see me for who I really am, and love me in spite/because of my faults. No one will love me if I'm faulty. Or if they will, I'd just rather not find out.
My cats do, I guess. I can be fat and ugly and cry and scream, and they'll still hop in bed next to me and purr. Does that make me a crazy cat lady? I mean, even their love isn't unconditional. If I didn't feed them or clean out their litter box, they'd hate me.
Scott treats me like shit when he's sick or feeling unwell. I wonder how he'd feel if the situation were reversed, but when do I treat him like shit? Rarely. I took a day off work to take him to get his wisdom teeth out, went and got him food, and just tried to be there for him, but he can't let me do anything for him. Unless it's paying for dinner.
He makes it so difficult sometimes. I'm trying not to get too pissed because he's obviously not feeling well, but I'm PMSing and not terribly thrilled to be rejected so much.
posted by Sarah @ 7:50 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home