The tequila is wearing off

My ever-so-exciting night included a bath for one of my cats and dish washing. I love Friday nights alone. Not that I'm one to want to go out and do anything, most of the time. When I'm not on the prowl for men, I'm pretty happy to stay at home and watch DVDs or read by myself.

And I'm going to test my brand new vibrator later tonight. I tried it when I got it on Wednesday night and I wasn't too thrilled, so we'll see. Last night, the boy was actually in Columbus, so I used him instead. Since he's basically been gone 2/3 of the time, I think the Eager Beaver and I will be well-acquainted very quickly.

I really do miss that brand-new relationship thing where you have sex three or four times a day. Or possibly more, if you don't have anything else to do. I miss lazy summer days, where you don't have anything else to do, and you have a really hot guy, so you just have sex all day. I'd like a day just devoted to sitting around, not doing anything, and having sex a few times. When was the last time Scott and I both had the same day off? It's been a long time.

At least he's more affectionate when it's cooler. I miss physical contact sometimes.

Too bad the tequila is wearing off.

Running away from me

That "oh, shit" feeling just won't go away.

Work hasn't really gone well the last couple of days, and seems like I'm being left further and further behind. And I'm getting behind in everything else. I'm not upset, per say, but I feel like there is very little good about the last couple days and very little good coming up in the next couple of days. What is there for me to feel good about?

I spend more time with my coworkers than I do my boyfriend. He's basically become a voice over the phone, and half the time I don't even get anything from him. It's like talking to myself, and then when I'm too tired to talk or I don't have anything to talk about, I get nothing. And it isn't necessarily his fault-he may very well be as tired/bored as I am. I hate that I feel forced to talk to him because I want his presence. I would just like to sit, and watch TV, and have him sitting next to me.

Not that he's very good at that, either. The boy can't sit down for more than a second unless he's eating, I swear. It's a metaphor for our entire relationship. I'm pretty sure most of the time he's running away from me.

BAH

It seems like everyone around me is either getting married, thinking about getting married, or getting pregnant. Bah.

I never felt like I would ever find someone I wanted to marry that wanted to marry me, and it still pretty much feels that way. Okay, I like to say that I'm not in a hurry to get married (and it's probably true), but I feel like I'm being left out of something AGAIN, like I was probably the last person to go out on dates and lose their virginity. Not because I wanted to be the last, but because I felt like I was the social loser.

And I still feel like I'm being left behind/left out. I mean, Nicole can meet some guy and convince him to move in with her after four months, and now they want to get married? What the hell?

Maybe I should just settle for whoever seems interested, but no one really seems all that interested. Not that I've ever been a person to have to fend men off left and right. I'm lucky if I get one person interested in me. Girls that always have a boyfriend irritate me, because what makes them so special? What makes them so much prettier and better than me, that they always have a man around to cater to them?

What the hell is wrong with me?

What it takes

My first day off in eight days, and it's beautiful outside :-) I need more than just one day off work in a row, though, because yesterday I thought I was going to lose it. Just a couple more weeks until my vacation. And since I have to work seven days in a row before my vacation, I am really going to need it.

I'm really glad the boy is at home this week. Yeah, you get used to being alone, but it is a lot nicer to have him around. I do kind of like him, even when he's dead-set on making fun of me all night. Or at least that was how it seemed last night. Usually, I can deal with it and it isn't a problem, but I get the feeling that sometimes he doesn't know when enough is enough. Yesterday wasn't the best day ever, and it's like pouring salt on a wound, you know?

And a lot of the time, I don't really feel good enough for him, so it pushes the insecurity up just a notch when he makes fun of me like that.

As much as my self-confidence has improved over the years, part of me will always have lingering doubts to my own worth. I teeter back and forth between feeling like I'm better than everyone, and feeling like everyone is better than me.

Bleh.

AGAIN

I have a mosquito bite on my knuckle, and I'm pretty sure the big red thing on my forehead is one as well, but it doesn't itch. First mosquito bites in years.

And, since it is my luck, I managed to get one on my forehead. Either that or it's a second head growing out of me.

So...I want this kitty:


She looks like Jay but Persian and with long hair. Back when I was looking for a second cat, there was one that looked like that at the shelter I went to. He got adopted the day before I went to the shelter (we couldn't find it when we went to see him the day before), so I got Toby instead. And while I do love that kitty, I really did want another one that looked like Jay. If I could stand to get another cat, I'd get her. It'd be awesome to have one long-haired and one short-haired. Plus, this one is a girl and I bet they'd get along better.

Scott is away on business again. Sometimes I get the feeling that he prefers to be away from me than to be here, but who knows. He can be very distant, and it seems like lately he's just been more and more so. Maybe I feel this way because he's never here. I don't know. He never really seems all that excited to see me. I feel like he's just doing me a favor.

I don't need any damn favors, I'll just put it that way.

Sometimes he does some really great things, and he can be very indulgent with me. Other times...I'd like to kick him.

He's one of the more frustrating men I've come across.