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I've never had a problem thinking of the first thing to write. On occasion, however, when I can't really figure out how to fix things, I can't figure out how to start the process.

I'm thoroughly upset at the moment. I had a bit of a "straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back" moment about an hour ago with Scott, and it's left me feeling drained and self-conscious. Most of the time, I can deal with being #2. I've never been one to feel as though I had to be right/most important/best/special at all, but I'll admit, it stings sometimes to be put last on a regular basis. In our relationship, the pendulum seems to swing his way most of the time. He hardly ever comes over to my apartment; we're always at his. He decides when we go to the gym, and gets upset with me when I decide that I'm not feeling well. I try to get more into the things he likes than he gets into the things I like. I listen to his music. I watch the UFC with him. I play video games with him. We have sex when he wants it (which isn't terribly often), or I have to work to get him in the mood if I want it.

Maybe I'm just feeling this way because I'm upset and PMSing.

I spent about an hour trying to call him so I could talk to him, and I tried knocking on his door, but he wouldn't pick up the phone or open the door for me. It's not like we would really talk anyway, because when I want to say things, he never wants to hear it. Or he won't respond. I say things that are on my mind, and he gets angry with me, which is why, most of the time, I can't bring myself to say anything when I'm upset. I just tend to want to get away.

He looks right through me sometimes.

I don't know if he loves me or not, or if I'm just there to keep him company and screw every once in a while. He won't tell me, and I can't ever tell. I will hate myself forever if it's the latter and I kept allowing myself to be used, but every time I think he really does love me, he throws me a curve ball.