That was stupid

I really hate working 11-7, especially on a Saturday. I'm probably better off working today though. It really helps me get my mind off of things, and I have a lot of things on my mind right now. At least at work I generally have a friend I can talk to about anything.

I'm not generally a jealous or paranoid person. No one has ever given me any reason to be jealous or paranoid, unless you count Rob (and I certainly don't). I think that was a special case, anyway. He was just an asshole, and I was just stupid. Very stupid.

On the other hand, the little pit in my stomach this morning will not go away. I think I can deal with having some strange girl sleep in my boyfriend's apartment with him, but it doesn't change that little part of me that thinks, okay, there's a girl I don't know anything about spending all night and day with my boyfriend while I'm at work. I suppose there isn't much I can do about it, and worrying is just silly on my part.

Maybe I'm just too trusting for my own good. Talking to the girls I work with makes me think that, but Scott has never given me any reason not to trust him, and I don't want to lose what comes very natural to me. I've been hurt by a lot of people, but never by anyone that I truly, truly loved. Of all the most important people in my life, none have ever really seriously hurt me. So while part of me figures that it's going to happen one of these days, the rest of me is pretty sure that the people that do truly love me wouldn't hurt me on purpose.

I wonder how Scott would react if I had one of my (non-gay) guy friends come visit me and stay in my apartment. Can I invite my Canadian friends down here and have them stay with me?

I don't know. Going to work is my best option here. I don't want to stew over it or feel like I have to be watching over Scott to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. He's not stupid.

Meh

I really think that picture says it all. He may be annoyingly cold at times, but how can anyone resist a guy in camo shorts running through their apartment with a cat toy (and that cute kitty chasing him)?

I'm bored. I very much dislike having the weekdays off, save the ability to go grocery shopping when there are fewer people. There were tons of people at Meijer today, though. It was 11:30 in the morning, and it was packed. I'm not sure if these people have jobs or what. Same thing with Target yesterday. I went during my lunch break and it was packed.

I would kill to have a job that was like every other normal person's job. On the other hand, I really like my job. I guess the crappy hours are overshadowed by the fact that I really enjoy the work that I do. Meh.

Well, damn

I love air conditioning. It feels so good to be cold when you know that it's 80 degrees outside. At 11:30pm. The heat just makes me feel so sluggish, although occasionally I do really love it. I'd rather be sweaty and hot than cold, as long as I'm in some short shorts and a tank top. Otherwise, I'm just a hot mess.

Ah shit, I'm just a hot mess anyway. Sometimes I believe I'm deluding myself when I look in the mirror and think that I see a pretty girl. I figure, if you can squint enough and see someone ugly, you must be ugly, no? I look at pictures of myself and see someone ugly, generally. I see the way people react to me, and it's not any more favorable than they react to other people. So I figure I'm, at the very most, average. I used to be extremely thin, and that always made me feel slightly better about myself, but now I'm just thin. And so what? There are lots of thin girls out there, with nicer hair and skin, and bigger boobs and fewer stretch marks.

It doesn't help when that boy of mine constantly turns me down. He is very unaffectionate and honestly, genuinely, seems uninterested in me or my body. He does okay sometimes, but he hardly ever holds my hand any more, he doesn't hug or kiss me unless I initiate it, and he just gives off this big, fat, "I don't care" vibe to me most of the time. It's not that I think he doesn't care about me, I just don't think he really thinks that much of me sometimes. As though I'm there, and that I'll always be there, so why bother? If he needs me or wants me, I'm there. But if I want him, he may or may not be there.

I don't know. Steve wasn't terribly interested in me sexually, and he was still very affectionate and attentive.

Ah, shit. Maybe it's just PMS. Maybe it's just today. Maybe it sucks to be dating a man who is very unwilling to share things and be affectionate with me, even though he's really awesome and would be even more awesome if he could do these things.

I REALLY don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'd like to crawl under a rock and hide there for a while...

Wasn't it?

You know it's time for a vacation when you're counting the days until you have a day off. Right? Right?

It was hotter than a bitch out today. I got in my car at noonish to go to work, and I about melted into the seat. Of course, I have dark gray fabric on the interior of my car, so that doesn't help. It looks freaking great, though. And, like many women, I will sacrifice my own personal comfort for an awesome look to my car.

The boy left for Connecticut today. It's been a while since he's gone traveling for work. It sucks on one hand, but it's okay on the other hand. Everyone needs some time away in a relationship, right? I'll be so excited to see him on Friday, and while I'm always excited to see him, this will be even awesomer. Yes. I said awesomer.

I'm taking a vacation day this week. I'm not exactly sure why I'm taking it this week, and not last week (or next week) when Scott was here, but whatever. I only have to work four days this week, and I get Friday and Saturday off. I really do like making the money (as I did last week), but I'm tired. I might have made $300 more than I made the week before, but I did a ton of freaking work, too. So I think it's about time I get a bit of a vacation. It just means that we'll spend Saturday together. I really do want to go to the NHL Draft, but I don't think we'll spend the whole day there. It's one of those things I have to do, since it's coming to Columbus this year and lots of the Blue Jackets players will be there, but I'm not terribly interested in the prospects this year. They're all way younger than me, anyway. I'm getting to be an old maid.

Eh, I'm done. That was pretty boring, wasn't it?

Son of a...

You know your day has not been going well when the first thing you hear at work is, "Sarah, I have some bad news." Of course, this bad news was in reference to the cute little orange kitten that I held at work. At first, I thought they were going to say he was sick or dead. Oh no. He has ringworm. So, if I start getting little ring-shaped rashes on my arms, I probably have it as well. Peachy.

I think today was my punishment for being a bad daughter and a bad cat mom and just a bad person in general. I don't figure that I'll really do anything different, but I guess I do deserve a good day of punishment every once in a while, yes? The only person that I've been good for is Scott, and I'm not really that good for him, either.

I'm just a big blob of nothing. Everyone, except maybe my kitties, would be just fine without me. I'd just make Scott take them, though, as much as I think he might pretend to hate it, he really likes those two shitheads. My kitties always turn people, though. I think it's because I've always had friendly kitties. Mr Fezziwig turned Steve into a cat person. At least, he really loved Mr. Fezziwig. I think if Scott spent more time with my boys, he'd love them. They're just hard not to love, the little bastards.

I'm freaking tired all of a sudden. I got to sleep at Scott's for the last four nights, so being back here in my apartment is not the most appealing idea for me. One of these days, maybe we'll move in together, but it's been a hard sell. So I haven't really been trying. Who knows.

Just let it happen

Tonight is one of those nights I wish I could drink myself into oblivion. I haven't had alcohol in any kind of excess in a long time. Honestly, once I met Scott, got a job, and moved to Columbus, I haven't really had the urge to drink so much that I pass out, but tonight I would really love to. Unfortunately, I have two beers total. Fat lot of good that's going to do me.

I have such a hard time opening up to people. Generally, they're just going to screw me/judge me in the end, right? The few times I've opened up to Scott I don't feel they've gone that well. I just get the feeling he doesn't care that much about me as it is. Well. Most of the time I think he does, but then he gives me reason to think he doesn't, and I question everything. I love him far too much for my own good, and I can't imagine my life without him. But as my life seems to follow a pattern that I am much against, he doesn't like me as much as I like him.

It's been this way with every guy that I've ever really been interested in, but I thought that it changed with Scott. In many ways, it has. We're in a relationship, and it is good (for the most part). But once again, I am the one left to love more than the other. I usually don't question that he cares about me. I think that there is just something there, that, despite his best wishes, he can't deny. He didn't want a relationship at all, and here we are more than a year later. But I don't know. I can see farther into the future than he can, I suppose.

He talks about us being together long term, in his own way, but he is just not one to think very far ahead, which frustrates me. He doesn't know what he wants, I can take it, although I think he wants me to be a part of whatever it is that happens to him in the future.

Who knows? I should have learned by now that life will never lead me where I think it's going to, and that I have no choice but to deal with it. I have no choice but to live my life. I want Scott to be a part of my life and my changes. I just need to let it happen.

I would kill for a nice, big bottle of vodka, though.

Crap

Oh, I feel like crap. My eyes hurt whenever I move them around in my head, and I'm still sore from working out on Saturday. It hurts to sit on the toilet seat, if that tells you anything. I didn't feel as though I were overdoing anything, but since it's been a few weeks since we've lifted, I guess I overestimated myself.

It's a damn good thing I have the day off today, because I really don't want to go anywhere or see anyone besides the boy, I suppose. Today was my dad's birthday. He would have been 49 today. Since he died 12 years ago, I've now had more than half my life without him. I lived with his cat longer than I lived with my dad, which is such a weird thought. Mr. Fezziwig lived for 16 years.

I miss that stupid cat, too. I remember the day we put him down. It was my 22 birthday. All these terrible things happen on what are supposed to be special days-my dad died on my mom's birthday, we put my cat down on my birthday... Those days are forever tainted for me.

June is a difficult month for me, and I think I got lucky, having these three days off. I really needed the chance to sit back and wallow. I do so love to wallow.

Of course, last year at this time I wasn't anywhere near wallowing. I was so excited about meeting Scott that I could barely contain myself. Life will lead you down some interesting paths-here I am, after a year, still feeling that excitement, but it's even better than it was before. I get so excited that I get to see him at the end of the day that I can hardly contain myself. It's so silly, because I see him nearly every day, but it's still like getting a prize for making it through the day.

I can't remember ever being this excited about someone after a year. I was with Steve for a year and a half, and by the end of that last year, I was just going through the motions. I wasn't really attracted to him, we never had sex, we never did anything together...there really wasn't any kind of future there.

As far as any kind of future with Scott...well, I know what I want. I can't ever really figure out what he's thinking, so I guess we'll see. I'm not in a huge hurry.

I am quite excited about going to Chicago with my mom in July. I haven't been to Chicago in over a year, which is a huge dry spell for me. I used to go 10x a year. I just love Chicago and going to Cubs games. Wrigley Field is awesome, and I love going there with my mom. We just have a blast. It'll be my first vacation in over a year, and I am so looking forward to having some time off. I also have to start planning for my trip to Cincinnati. Three days of tennis in the August heat-it's my favorite. I love sitting around in the sun, sweating my ass off, watching tennis players with no shirts on.