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I've never had a problem thinking of the first thing to write. On occasion, however, when I can't really figure out how to fix things, I can't figure out how to start the process.

I'm thoroughly upset at the moment. I had a bit of a "straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back" moment about an hour ago with Scott, and it's left me feeling drained and self-conscious. Most of the time, I can deal with being #2. I've never been one to feel as though I had to be right/most important/best/special at all, but I'll admit, it stings sometimes to be put last on a regular basis. In our relationship, the pendulum seems to swing his way most of the time. He hardly ever comes over to my apartment; we're always at his. He decides when we go to the gym, and gets upset with me when I decide that I'm not feeling well. I try to get more into the things he likes than he gets into the things I like. I listen to his music. I watch the UFC with him. I play video games with him. We have sex when he wants it (which isn't terribly often), or I have to work to get him in the mood if I want it.

Maybe I'm just feeling this way because I'm upset and PMSing.

I spent about an hour trying to call him so I could talk to him, and I tried knocking on his door, but he wouldn't pick up the phone or open the door for me. It's not like we would really talk anyway, because when I want to say things, he never wants to hear it. Or he won't respond. I say things that are on my mind, and he gets angry with me, which is why, most of the time, I can't bring myself to say anything when I'm upset. I just tend to want to get away.

He looks right through me sometimes.

I don't know if he loves me or not, or if I'm just there to keep him company and screw every once in a while. He won't tell me, and I can't ever tell. I will hate myself forever if it's the latter and I kept allowing myself to be used, but every time I think he really does love me, he throws me a curve ball.

Woo hoo

I haven't seen a mouse since Tuesday. I'm wondering if it decided to stay away from my cats.

Scott comes home tomorrow night for a whole week. YAAAAAAAAAAY. I miss him. He'll be home when I get my new mattress so we can break it in. Woo hoo.

Schedule?

Ah, vacation day. I'm really only working three days this week, since I only worked an hour and a half yesterday and I'm taking today off. I love it.

I woke up this morning around 6am. One of my cats was huddled in the corner growling at the other cat. He had something in his mouth, and when he let it go, it scurried across the room. I kind of figured it was a mouse, but I didn't see it again. So I went back to bed.

I was getting ready to take a shower around 10am, and I saw it run into the kitchen. So I definitely have a mouse in my apartment. I wish my cats would go after it, instead of sleeping on the bed as they are right now. Jay used to kill mice in Mom's house, so I don't see why he wouldn't do it in my apartment. They'd better. Bleh.

Scott is in Mississippi this week. I saw him for a whole day and a half this weekend, and that's all I've seen him in the last week and a half. I miss his stupid face. I'm horny, too. I don't like only having sex a couple times on the weekends, especially since weekends are usually so busy for me. I'm always tired after working on the weekends. Seems like I want sex more during the week, and I think it's because I'm much less tired.

It sucks having a vastly different schedule. I think I'm even more tired than I would be if I worked the same schedule every week. I really need some kind of routine.

More is at stake

Oh, I am lonely. Scott is in town and I'm still lonely.

I can't decide if I would be happier if we lived together or not. I guess if I do find the answer, and it is yes, then I should probably just dump him now and get it over with, because it will never happen.

He might talk about us being together in the future, but I'm pretty sure he thinks we'll be together in exactly the same way. Unfortunately, I don't think I would be very happy with that. At what point will I be so unhappy with it that I will be ready to move on? It's not even about getting married, either. It's more about moving in together, and sharing life together. You don't have to be married to do that.

I don't know. I LIKE sharing a bed with him (even if he does steal the covers). It's nice to wake up in the morning with someone there.

It's very hard to be the one who is more committed and more in love, and more ready to move forward. It sucks to have someone more attached to you than you are to them, sure, but it's even harder to be the one for whom more is at stake. I've been both.

I would really like to make him come over here and have sex with me.

Am I?

I got laid more when I was single than I do now. Is Scott traveling too much, or am I just a whore?

The tequila is wearing off

My ever-so-exciting night included a bath for one of my cats and dish washing. I love Friday nights alone. Not that I'm one to want to go out and do anything, most of the time. When I'm not on the prowl for men, I'm pretty happy to stay at home and watch DVDs or read by myself.

And I'm going to test my brand new vibrator later tonight. I tried it when I got it on Wednesday night and I wasn't too thrilled, so we'll see. Last night, the boy was actually in Columbus, so I used him instead. Since he's basically been gone 2/3 of the time, I think the Eager Beaver and I will be well-acquainted very quickly.

I really do miss that brand-new relationship thing where you have sex three or four times a day. Or possibly more, if you don't have anything else to do. I miss lazy summer days, where you don't have anything else to do, and you have a really hot guy, so you just have sex all day. I'd like a day just devoted to sitting around, not doing anything, and having sex a few times. When was the last time Scott and I both had the same day off? It's been a long time.

At least he's more affectionate when it's cooler. I miss physical contact sometimes.

Too bad the tequila is wearing off.

Running away from me

That "oh, shit" feeling just won't go away.

Work hasn't really gone well the last couple of days, and seems like I'm being left further and further behind. And I'm getting behind in everything else. I'm not upset, per say, but I feel like there is very little good about the last couple days and very little good coming up in the next couple of days. What is there for me to feel good about?

I spend more time with my coworkers than I do my boyfriend. He's basically become a voice over the phone, and half the time I don't even get anything from him. It's like talking to myself, and then when I'm too tired to talk or I don't have anything to talk about, I get nothing. And it isn't necessarily his fault-he may very well be as tired/bored as I am. I hate that I feel forced to talk to him because I want his presence. I would just like to sit, and watch TV, and have him sitting next to me.

Not that he's very good at that, either. The boy can't sit down for more than a second unless he's eating, I swear. It's a metaphor for our entire relationship. I'm pretty sure most of the time he's running away from me.